


for me, it isn't over

by sevedra



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Darcy Lewis Needs a Hug, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Happy Ending, Memory Loss, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pregnancy, Slow Burn Comfort, Unplanned Pregnancy, minor characters as needed, poor self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-08-29 09:23:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: Darcy and Bucky are happy until he is taken by HYDRA during a mission. When he is recovered he has no memory of his life in the tower, or with Darcy.For his mental health, Darcy stays away. But she has a secret that can only be kept for so long. And The Winter Soldier is trained to find out secrets.





	1. skyfall

Their relationship had started simply enough. Steve had asked Thor how he had acclimated so well to Earth and its modern marvels. Thor had laughed at Steve for thinking Earth's gadgets were marvels. He had then told Steve all about his dear Jane's bosom friend and his own shield-sister, Darcy Lewis. As they say, "that's all she wrote." Jane and Darcy were already living in the tower, Steve met with them before introducing Bucky. Darcy and Bucky got on like the proverbial house on fire. It was only a few short months before they had passed friendship and moved into a much deeper relationship. When Bucky left for the illfated mission, they had been officially dating for 10 months.

 

Darcy had been throwing up for a solid week when Bucky got the call out. He was reluctant to leave her. He sat by her on the bed, tucked her sweaty hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead.

"Sweetheart, I don't like leaving you like this. I want to stay, I want to be here and be the one holding you and helping you. But this is HYDRA. It's an abandoned base, yeah, but they kept me there sometime in the past 40 years and we need to go clear it out. There's no telling what's in there that could come back and bite me in the ass. I don't want to go, but have to."

"Bucky." Darcy curled herself around him and rested her head in his lap. "I know you have to go. I just feel so terrible. I don't know why I'm so sick. Flu doesn't usually last this long. I know you have to go. I do. Send me Janie. I love you."

"Oh, sweetheart, I love you. It'll be quick. We'll fly over, we'll scout, we'll clear it out, decide if we need to burn it down, fly home. 2 days, 3 days at the most. And by then, this will have passed and you'll feel better and we can have a really nice 'welcome home' night in." He raised and lowered his eyebrows in quick succession. The corner of his mouth quirked up into a leer.

Darcy had turned onto her other side and fallen back to sleep with the heat of Bucky's body pressed against the small of her back. Bucky had sighed and reluctantly left her alone. He'd returned to his own rooms to collect his go-bag, kicking himself that they had never finalized and started the moving in together that they planned. He swore to himself that he'd make that happen as soon as he got back.

Before heading to the armory for his tac gear and weapons, he went to the labs. Darcy hadn't been in to work in over a week. Jane had come by every evening to check on her, well, every evening Jane had remembered to leave the lab. He extracted promises from Jane that she would check in on Darcy at least three times a day instead of losing herself to a science bender.

He stopped by Darcy's apartment one more time on his way to meet the team. She was asleep and he chose not to wake her. He kissed her on the tip of her nose and the corner of her mouth. Then he had gone. HYDRA waits for no man.

 

 

Today was special. Today Darcy finally woke without a sick stomach. She felt refreshed and excited and energetic. After showering she'd gone to the kitchen to make coffee, only to find Jane sitting at her island with a brown paper bag.

"You becoming a wino Janie?"

"Oh, Darce. I don't want you to think I know better than you about your own body, but I have lived near or with you for over 4 years now. You are very late and you've been very sick." Jane pulled a blue and white rectangular box from the bag and slid it across the island.

Darcy just stared down at the box for a minute, feeling a spark of anger simmer in her belly. She looked up and met Jane's eyes. Jane looked determined and ready to fight, Darcy had been on the receiving end of that particular look before. It halted the argument waiting on the tip of Darcy's tongue. If Jane was this prepared to defend her stance, the least Darcy could do was humor her. Jane had been a godsend the past however long since Bucky left and Darcy owed her more than to turn this into a battle. She could pee on a damned stick for Jane's sake.

Darcy waited out her three minutes and then didn't leave the bathroom for fifteen more. Jane seemed to finally lose patience and tapped lightly on the door.

"Darcy? Are you okay?"

Darcy reluctantly left the bathroom and settled on the couch. Jane joined her and held her hand.

"No. No, Jane. I am very not okay. What I am, is pregnant. Where's the team? I don't remember Bucky coming back yet, but it has been more than three days, right?"

"It's been 10 days. No word from Thor or Bucky. The team went into comms blackout just before they entered the airspace of the base they were going to. They're really late. Everyone is worried, but you've been so sick, I didn't want to make you worried too. Pepper and I talked and agreed to tell you as soon as you felt better. I'm sorry."

"10? 10 is... a lot. Something bad has to have happened. Or they would have contacted us. God, it's HYDRA, right? It could be so very, very bad!"

The team had been gone for 10 days. Bucky had said it would be an in-and-out mission, clear out an abandoned base and be home in 3 days, tops. Darcy knew something was dreadfully wrong, but the team hadn't lifted their comms blackout. She'd felt like she was flying blind in her fear.

 

 

On day 13, the comms blackout had lifted. Steve refused to talk to anyone but Maria Hill. Maria was clipped and reserved in what she had passed on to Darcy, Jane, and Pepper. No one was killed, but they were coming back without one Avenger. From Pepper and Jane's side-eyed glances, Darcy knew they knew just as well as she did that there was only one person who was likely to have attracted HYDRA to decide to capture and not kill. Darcy had barely made it to the bathroom before losing her lunch.

The team arrived back at the tower 9 hours later. The quinjet settled on the landing pad while Darcy, Pepper, Jane, and Maria Hill watch through the floor-to-ceiling glass wall of windows and doors. Everyone looked beaten and defeated. Even Steve had visible bruises still on his face, super serum be damned. Bucky wasn't with them.

"I didn't just leave him behind, Darcy. He disappeared. You know I would never give up on him. And I will be back out there within 24 hours looking for him again. Just need to regroup here." Steve had pushed his dirty hair away from his face. His lack of cleanliness was a sure sign that he had been working the whole two weeks they'd been gone. He was obviously exhausted. But he had taken the time to speak with her personally. "We got trapped in an underground basement level of the facility. The lighting was poor, it was all shadows and doors and too many hallways and corners. It was like a damned maze. We got separated. Somehow Bucky must have ended up alone."

Tears started pricking at the edges of Darcy's eyes. She had not wanted to hear. She needed to hear. She had crossed her arms, protectively, as low on her abdomen as she could manage without calling attention to it. She could feel eyes on her from across the room. She and Steve stood at least 15 feet from anyone else, maybe no one could actually hear them but Darcy felt the stares.

"When we finally escaped the basement, Bucky was gone. We searched the entire facility. Natasha questioned the survivors. He was nowhere. We spent days trying to track down anyone who was HYDRA that we could find in the area. No one could tell us where he was taken or who exactly has him. I'm sorry."

The tears were streaming in trails down her neck. Her hands were fisted around the cuffs of her sweatshirt, Bucky's sweatshirt. It was long enough to cover her midsection, baggy enough to hide all of her curves, and worn enough to still have a trace of Bucky's smell. She turned on her heel and retreated to her room.

 

 

Steve and Natasha spent all of their time looking for Bucky. Steve was too stubborn to ever give up and Natasha was ruthless enough to turn over stones Steve would balk at. The other Avengers joined the search sporadically, working around other missions and personal responsibilities. Still, the weeks dragged on.

 

 

Darcy's morning sickness returned with a vengeance. It lasted all morning and then hit intermittently through the day. The only thing she could keep down reliably was tea. Even though her abdomen was starting to swell, the scale was dipping. She refused to go to a doctor. She told Jane repeatedly that she would go when Bucky could go with her. He would be home any day.

In Darcy's mind, the nights were worse than the morning sickness. Some nights she laid down in her own bed. Other nights, she laid in Bucky's. His smell was no longer on his sheets or pillowcases. It had faded from her own before she had even known he was taken. Hours passed and sleep didn't come easily. She usually dropped into a restless, nightmare plagued sleep a couple hours before she had to wake up for work.

Weeks passed. Darcy slipped deeper into depression. She found herself lost in circling paths of what-ifs and should-haves. What if they had moved in together before he left? They should have made that happen, but she had been sick. They had waited. They should have never waited. What if he doesn't come back? What if they keep him? What if they kill him? Round and round in her brain, scenarios that just wouldn't shut off.

 

 

Darcy had already passed the halfway point of her pregnancy when Maria Hill knocked on her door.

She knew she had lost more weight than she had gained, even though she hadn't stepped on the scales. Her baby bump was still entirely unnoticeable. Her shirts were long and her cardigans were loose and no one had made a single comment or observation. Jane had taken to staring at her through the day in the lab. But she didn't do more than try to press food on her. Their roles seemed to have reversed. Jane had become the one who reminded Darcy of meal times. Jane was the one who held her hair back when she was crouched in the restroom in the back of their lab space. Jane was the one who handed her pre-natal vitamins with her tea every morning. Jane bit her lip, and probably her tongue, and tried to help Darcy in ways that she knew Darcy would accept.

Maria's face was grim and Darcy's knees started to buckle. She caught herself half on the doorframe while Maria caught her half by one arm.

"Jesus, Lewis. You look awful. Have you slept at all?"

Tears spilled off Darcy's lashes. She shook her head and closed her eyes. Her head signaled her denial for long seconds before Maria spoke again.

"They have him. It's not good. Physically, Steve says he seems fine. But he's closed down and doesn't remember all he should. He's close to The Winter Soldier. Steve says he's not that, but I don't know. We'll see when they get back. ETA 1 hour."

Darcy didn't even open her eyes as she closed the door in Maria's face. She slid down the door into a crumpled heap and sobbed.


	2. cold shoulder

When she finally pulls herself from the floor, Darcy showers for the first time in more days than she can remember. Standing under the water, she counts off the weeks in her head. 11 weeks since she last saw Bucky. 9 weeks he was held by HYDRA. 21 weeks pregnant according to her calculations. He doesn't even know. Maria said he had some memory problems. She wondered how much he'd forgotten. How much they'd have to go through again and where exactly the start point would be. He had come back with Steve rather than run, so he must remember some stuff. When he'd left HYDRA two years ago, he had avoided Steve for a year. This time he seemed to have agreed to come to the tower right away, so probably he remembered living here too. They'd taken him to medical. It was probably routine. She hoped he wasn't hurt. And if he was, then what? She was hardly in any condition to care for him. She really hadn't been caring for herself since he'd gone missing. She needs to work on that. Getting herself back together so she can be there for him.

When she's clean, she stands and looks at her reflection in the steamy mirror. Her appearance has suffered while Bucky was missing. No real help for that now. Trapping most of her hair into a ponytail holder will have to do. She slips into comfortable yoga pants and one of Bucky's tees. It comes down to the top of her thighs and stretches across her breasts and belly. Maybe the baby isn't as unnoticeable as she thought. She grimaces. The few pounds her body has tried to put on have ended up almost exclusively in her chest. But Bucky always liked seeing her in his clothes and she hasn't done laundry in weeks. Not a lot of his shirts in her room left to choose from and she doesn't want to waste any more time by going to his room.

Before leaving, she takes a minute to look around her apartment. It's kind of a disaster. Jane had been coming by on evenings that she remembered to leave the lab, but she wasn't much of a housekeeper herself. Outside of her time in the lab assisting Jane, Darcy has spent nearly every minute in her apartment lying in bed. Not sleeping, or sleeping poorly, but huddling under the blankets just the same. Waiting. Laundry seems to be the main issue. And dusting. She hadn't been eating enough to have much mess in the kitchen. If Bucky wanted to sleep in her apartment tonight, maybe he wouldn't mind the dirty clothes too much.

 

 

They keep her waiting outside of the medical suite for an hour. Won't even let her into the hall. When she is finally allowed in, the room Bucky is in is locked. For a minute she just stands there, trying to make sense of being locked out. Or is he locked in? He's been put in one of the few rooms that doesn't have external windows. Does that mean he's a flight risk? She wrings her hands with worry. The blinds are closed over the window into the hallway. Is he more hurt than she thought? She tries the handle again, just in case. Nope, absolutely locked. She's been hovering over the doorknob for almost five minutes when Steve startles her by opening the door just a few inches to squeeze his bulky torso out.

"Sorry, Darcy. The therapist said to wait for him before you see Bucky. He already saw Bucky and he'll be back in a few minutes to talk to you."

Darcy tries to peer into the room before Steve could get the door closed, but she can only see the far corner. No bed, no chair, no Bucky.

"Is he okay? Is he awake? Is he hurt? Steve! I need to see him!"

A throat cleared behind her. She jumps at the sound. Her nerves are shot, she can't even tell if it's due to the locked door or the weeks of worry. Probably both. She recognizes the man when she turns to see him.

"Miss Lewis? Dr. Stanford. I think you will have heard my name? I've been Sergeant Barnes' therapist for the time he's lived here. I've already spoken with him. I won't stop you from seeing him, but you need to understand a few things before you do."

"Won't stop me from seeing him! How is that even an option? Of course, I'm seeing him! It's Bucky! He's my... I'm his... We're... We were together. Are together, will be together as soon as he's cleared to leave medical. He's been gone for weeks without me knowing what was happening to him. Won't stop me from seeing him? I don't think you could stop me. And he worries even more than I do. He will want to make sure I'm okay. He's always extra worried after a mission. So, he wants to see me as much as I want to see him." She looks up at Steve. "Right? He wants to see me? Steve?"

Steve looked down the hall away from Darcy. She stared at the underside of his jaw. He didn't look back to her. She couldn't figure out what was happening. Steve should be reassuring her. Telling her that Bucky was okay. Not giving her this avoidance tactic. He looked down at the floor, then quickly at the shaded window to Bucky's room. Dr. Stanford cleared his throat again.

"Miss Lewis, please listen, this is very important. For Bucky's well-being, yes, but also for your own. Things are not the way they were when Bucky left for this mission. HYDRA put him back in The Chair."

Darcy's knees buckled for the second time that day. Steve caught her quickly and seamlessly. She wondered at his ability to do it while he was steadfastly refusing to look at her. A super-soldier talent of some sort probably. He helped her settle into a chair beside the door to Bucky's room. The door she knew was locked. The door keeping Bucky in and keeping her out.

"Miss Lewis, he hasn't been reprogrammed. There doesn't seem to have been any "brainwashing". He was tortured. The electricity has burned away his memories of most of the time since he escaped HYDRA after the fight with Captain Rogers. He has also lost some of the memories he had regained from before his time with them, the War, some of his formative years. It is complicated, memory. It isn't really possible to predict what will go and what will remain in a situation like this. In addition, his mind has partially dissociated to protect himself. He is not The Winter Soldier. He is Bucky. Well, a version of Bucky, but still himself. His emotions are pretty far away at the moment. His mind has shut them down to protect himself. He will be distant. If he remembers you, it won't be like before he was taken. He may not be able to feel his emotional connection with you yet."

Darcy felt like her head was underwater. Her chest was tight, her ears were over-pressurized, and Dr. Stanford sounded like an adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon. Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. She shook her head to clear her mind enough to listen. Bucky was here, he was safe, he was alive, that was good. But he was worse off than she had thought. His memory was seriously affected. His memory of the time they'd known each other. Maybe their entire relationship. He didn't know about the baby. How could she tell him about that if he didn't even remember they were together? 

"Miss Lewis?"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Are you alright? Do you need some water? You look as though you're going to faint."

"When can I see him. He knows me. He will know me. He has to. Can I see him now? I need to see him now."

"Of course, Miss Lew... er, yes. One moment. He's skittish. Hyper-vigilant. No sudden moves please, or loud noises."

"I've been with him for more than a year, Doctor. I know how to behave around an ex-assassin with PTSD."

"Quite right." Dr. Stanford unlocked the door. Steve moved so close to the doctor's back that Darcy couldn't have gotten into the room sooner or seen anything before she was in no matter how she tried.

"Bucky? Sergeant Barnes? It's Dr. Stanford again. I have Steve with me. You know Steve. And this young woman is Darcy Lewis. You are also acquainted with her. Though more recently, of course."

Bucky stepped out from the shadows behind the door. Darcy nearly jumped. His eyes looked intently at Dr. Stanford and Steve. They flitted quickly over her. Face to feet and back almost quicker than she could see. He stood stiff and straight and pointedly did not look at her again. Her heart sank. His eyes didn't show the love they usually did. He felt so far away.

"Bucky? Are you okay? Well, I mean, no. You are not okay. Obviously, and I know that. Of course, I know that. Sorry. I know you're hurt and probably afraid and maybe angry." Why on earth does she babble? He looks terrified. White around his eyes and his mouth tight.

"I am not afraid." He all but growled the words out. If it was possible, he stood even taller, looked more menacing. If she didn't know him so well, she would be scared of him. "Do I know you? You aren't one of the nurses, you aren't dressed like one. Who are you? Why are you here?"

His rapid-fire questions made her light-headed. She clutched the foot of the medical bed and tried not to let the greying out of her vision get the best of her. "Darcy. I'm Darcy Lewis. I...I, um..." She tried to think of something to say that wasn't blurting out how much she loved him. "I helped you learn about modern things that you hadn't experienced when you came here after you escaped HYDRA before. I... We... We're friends? I taught you how to cook. You've been gone a long time. I was worried about you." 

She reached one hand toward Bucky. She would have laid it against his chest over his heart, but he jerked away from her. He stepped behind Steve, back against the wall. Darcy's chest constricted again. She couldn't breathe. Her stomach turned over. Her eyes burned. She was going to cry. And vomit. No. She was not going to cry in here. She straightened to her full height of not-that-tall and looked carefully and deliberately away from Bucky and at Steve. "Thank you, Steve. For bringing him home. I'm going to... go now. I think, I think Jane needs me in the lab. Bye. Bucky. I... I, um... bye."

 

 

Dr. Stanford releases Bucky into Steve's care. They go to what Steve assures him is his apartment. The space isn't familiar. Steve is though. He asks Steve to stay for a few days. An hour later Steve has gone and come back with enough clothes and toiletries to get through a week or so. Bucky has wandered through each room and found that he can't feel a connection with anything in them. He has clothes in the closet and art on the wall and DVDs on a shelf under the television, books on another shelf. But none of it stirs any emotion in him nor does he remember choosing any of it. There are a few clothes in his room that don't look like they belong. Flannel shirts that are obviously too small for him, a scarf in a color he thinks he would never wear, tops that he thinks are camisoles. Women's clothes. Not enough to indicate a live-in woman, but enough to seem out of place. He's also pretty sure the apple-scented shampoo and conditioner in his shower aren't his. Dr. Stanford warned him not to try too hard to remember at first. Let his brain heal and the memories will come back on their own. He'll try, but he can't help but wonder.

Thinking about a woman being in his rooms naturally leads to Bucky thinking about having watched the Lewis woman in medical leave. She'd looked distressed and sad. He had no idea why. Dr. Stanford said he knew her, she said they had been friends, but if he knew her before he didn't now. He thought about what he'd gleaned from her time in the room. Young. Unkempt but clean. Generous figure. Breasts, butt, shapely. Physically attractive, objectively speaking. Slightly heavy. Soft thighs and arms, not muscled. A non-combatant. A rounded stomach that spoke of plenty of food and possibly money to buy it. Thin face with deep circles under the eyes. Not sleeping. Soft middle not-with-standing, possibly not eating well either. More than passingly pretty. Eyes large and blue, hair long and nearly black. Ill-fitting clothes. Shirt both too tight and too loose. Pants too tight and too thin, likely meant for sleep or exercise. An odd woman altogether. Not a threat, so not really noteworthy.


	3. don't you remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is under the misapprehension that I know anything factual about memory loss and recovery, please be aware that I certainly do not. I read up on removing memory when I was writing Experimentation & Maintenance. But I would never presume that makes me anything remotely kin to an expert. And I didn't even try to learn about memory recovery for this story. I just made it up.

He hadn't known her at all. He had barely looked at her. He didn't know her. He didn't know her. He didn't know her! And he didn't know about the baby. She'd emptied her stomach of what little lunch she had managed to hold down earlier as soon as she'd gotten to her room. Once that was gone, she dry heaved until black spots clouded her vision. Heat swept over her until she was sweating, quickly followed by a bone-deep chill that had her shivering. Between the flashes of hot and cold, she was left clammy and weak. She couldn't muster the energy for a shower but did manage to climb into pajamas.

Hot tears ran down her face for hours. She didn't realize she had that much moisture in her. She couldn't stop crying, no matter how hard she tried. Her heart was shattered. She spent most of the evening repeating like a mantra in her head, "he didn't know me", over and over and over. Jane had been in the lab, so Darcy left her a message that she wasn't up for company tonight. She lay in bed, awake, alone with her fears.

 

 

Dr. Stanford called her for an appointment the next morning. She had already left a message for Jane that she wouldn't be in today anyway. She lay on the couch for an hour with cold compresses over her swollen eyes, hoping to disguise that she'd been crying virtually all night. When she arrived at the doctor's office, Steve was also there. She couldn't help the feeling of dread that moved over her. Yesterday had been bad. From the grim faces before her, today was not looking to be better.

"Dr. Stanford. What can I do?" She hadn't slept more than 3 hours since she'd seen Bucky yesterday. It was broken sleep at that, nightmares and nausea keeping her from rest as much now that he was home as they had when he was gone.

"Miss Lew... um, Darcy? I wanted to explain to you what Captain Rogers and I have already discussed about Bucky's treatment. Please, sit down."

"You're just talking about Bucky behind his back? No patient confidentiality?" Didn't Bucky deserve the dignity of not having his personal medical business, let alone his mental health business, discussed with everybody? Not that she and Steve were everybody, but she was upset already.

"No! Bucky has given his consent for me to tell the others living here how to interact with him for the present and near future. Until his situation changes. I will not be sharing anything that would not be of general public knowledge to people living together in one home anyway."

Her stress levels were through the roof. She knew Dr. Stanford had always had Bucky's best interest in mind. Snapping at him like he was some kind of enemy wasn't helpful. She sighed deeply and looked down at her lap. She stretched her sweater to cover not only her middle but most of her thighs as well. So far, only Jane knew about the baby. Though, possibly Thor too. Darcy hadn't seen him in weeks, didn't know if he'd been around at all. If he had been, then Jane may have told him. May have not. Darcy didn't want everyone knowing something this personal to them when Bucky still didn't know. Bucky deserved to know before the whole team did. How could she tell him now? To keep her secret a while longer, today she was wearing yoga pants and a really bulky sweater.

"Miss... Darcy. Bucky is in a very delicate state right now. His brain is not fully recovered from the torture he was subjected to. And memory recovery is difficult. It cannot, must not be rushed. For Bucky to remember his time between his stints as a prisoner of HYDRA, he needs to be allowed to remember it on his own schedule. Without interference."

"What does that mean? His own schedule? How will he remember if no one helps him? Won't he remember faster if we tell him what's happened? Who I... who we are?"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. His previous experience with brainwashing makes his mind susceptible to suggestion when he is in a state like he is now. If you tell him things that he doesn't remember, then his mind will incorporate them as you tell it to him. Not as he experienced it. It would essentially overwrite his own memory that is being repressed right now. He might never remember it as he actually lived it. You'd be manipulating his memories. Planting your own version of events in his head."

Steve stood up abruptly. "That is a little extreme. Neither Darcy nor I, would ever manipulate Bucky. Manipulation strongly implies bad intentions. Bucky may have some special needs right now, but we are definitely not taking advantage of him."

Darcy's head was spinning. It wasn't enough that Bucky didn't remember her. Dr. Stanford didn't want her to tell him. She'd be manipulating him. Just like HYDRA. She couldn't tell him about the baby if she couldn't tell him about her, them, their relationship. She could feel the darkness in her swallowing her down again.

Dr. Stanford was still talking, "He needs to remember as much as he can on his own. Making anchor memories at first, then building more in between them. Once he feels comfortable with that, he will start to ask questions to fill in the remaining blanks, linking events into a cohesive whole. Much as he did when he first came to the tower. He should be encouraged to socialize with the people he knows. They'll be instructed not to speak of the past, but getting to know you all again, getting familiar with everyone, will help his brain form connections. There may be things he never recovers, but for the most part, his memory will return. It may happen slowly, or it may be quickly. He'll remember in dreams, he'll have flashes due to a trigger of some sort. He'll remember through his senses. Sense memory is very strong. Smells and sounds, even touch, can be stimulating for repressed memory. Be patient. Give him time to heal. He has done it before, he will do it again."

 

 

Darcy didn't remember the rest of the meeting, except for the stubborn tone of Steve's voice. Countering and arguing Dr. Stanford's advice. She's pretty sure he eventually agreed. Bucky's well-being would always come first for Steve. If Dr. Stanford's plan was to Bucky's benefit, Steve would recognize that. She would follow Steve's lead. He was trustworthy. he would never let anything hurt Bucky, not even himself, definitely not her.

She had no recollection of making her way to Jane's apartment. She had Friday call Jane to come from the lab. To Jane's credit, she seemed to have dropped everything at once and come immediately. Now here she was, crying into Jane's belly on the world's most comfortable couch. Which she couldn't appreciate because she was so miserable.

"He doesn't know me at all! And I can't tell him who we are together! And he doesn't know about the baby! And I can't tell him that either!"

"Not at all?" Jane seemed shocked and skeptical. 

"Nothing. Nada. Dr. Stanford said it would be like what HYDRA did to him! Mental manipulation! I could never do that! Oh god, Jane! I'd be like HYDRA. Hurting him. Steve agreed. You know Steve wouldn't approve of anything that would hurt Bucky. So, if telling him what he's forgotten would hurt him, then Steve won't allow it. And I wouldn't do it anyway. I would never hurt Bucky, not if I could help it. Never on purpose."

"Darcy, you are not alone in this. Let me be here and help you. You can get through this. He will remember. He remembered before. And he remembers Steve already. It won't be long. I know it won't be."

"I don't feel so sure of that Jane."

"Honey, am I feeling your ribs on your back? Are you okay? How's the baby?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, the baby's fine. Just still puking every day. Hard to keep the cushioning on the parts not occupied by the baby. Trust me, the belly is plenty cushy even if the ribs aren't" Darcy could feel herself slipping into sleep. She hoped she'd averted Jane's concerns about the pregnancy. Everything was going to be fine.

Jane, being the best friend a girl could have, simply held her and offered soothing noises until Darcy fell asleep. It wasn't peaceful or even restful, but it was the first time she slept through the night since Bucky was taken. 

 

Bucky tried to settle in. Everything was unfamiliar. He didn't enjoy hanging out with the team. Conversations were stilted and clumsy as Steve's friends tried not to feed him too much information about himself. He supposed they were his friends too. They said they were, they acted happy to see him even if it was awkward. None of them left the room on the verge of tears.

He forced himself to go to the common areas each day. He saw every single Avenger more than once in that first week. He met Thor's girl, who knew the woman, Darcy Lewis, but didn't speak of her after saying she was indisposed. He saw Dr. Banner who seldom came to the common rooms because "crowds and the Big Guy, not so much". He even met Peggy Carter's niece, who didn't even live in the tower but seemed to be very old friends with Stark, and if Steve's stammering meant anything, very new friends with Steve.

He didn't see Darcy Lewis.

 

Darcy spent a week away from the labs. Crying in her room and finally doing laundry. She couldn't stop thinking about how HYDRA had used the electricity to make Bucky's mind accept their programming before. Now, if she tried to talk to him, she would be doing the same thing. Implanting thoughts and memories and making him worse instead of better. It was probably best if she just stayed away. If she didn't interact with him, then she couldn't accidentally say something that would hurt him.

And he was a spy, just like Natasha and Clint. Actually, he was a better spy than them. Hadn't he been one of Natasha's teachers at some point? He might notice she was pregnant, hell he would definitely notice if her current luck held. While he wouldn't know it was his, he would probably mention it to someone. There would be so many questions to answer. If he knew she was pregnant, someone was bound to tell him they had been together. It would come out that he was the father. Wouldn't that just be another form of manipulation? She wouldn't mean it that way, but there may be suspicions. Accusations that she was trying to force him to remember when the doctor had told her not to. It was better to just stay away. She'd think of something she could do to help. Something that wouldn't hurt him.

She carefully folded all of Bucky's clothes. She searched out his toiletries; his razor and aftershave and that woodsy smelling shampoo he used. There were a couple of his knives on the table beside her sofa. He'd been sharpening them while she slept just a day or so before the mission. He might not remember them now, but he might. They were knives, but they could easily be knives from before they met. From before he came to the tower. He might wonder where they were right now. He might be looking for them. Better to give them back before it looked like she was trying to keep them.

She waited until Friday gave her the all-clear that his apartment was empty. Bucky and Steve were sparring in the gym. Her access to Bucky's place hadn't been revoked, which was a relief. It would allow her to help him a bit from behind the scenes. She took everything of his she could find to his rooms. It felt like heartbreak. Like she was giving up. Like she was letting go. It hurt. She left his clean things on his bed and searched for and took what clothes of hers she could find. The knives she placed on his bedside table. His toiletries were left on his bathroom counter and her hair products went with her when she left. She tried not to leave any other evidence she'd been there.

 

Darcy hadn't been able to help but see that his kitchen looked empty. Bucky had been home close to two weeks now. He wasn't taking good care of himself, he should be doing better. A plan started to formulate.


	4. make you feel my love

Smells bring back memories. Darcy knew that was true. Any hint of lilac brought her grandmother to mind. And tastes were the same, mac-n-cheese made her long for winters spent with her family. She could help Bucky remember, without telling him what to recall. She just needed to find things that would trigger memories of things they had done together. Happy times, pleasant activities, things he had enjoyed. Since she couldn't befriend him again, the way the rest of their friends were, she would just have to make do. She could do this and not hurt him. Not manipulate him. Not like HYDRA.

 

They had cooked together often. Bucky had never learned to cook much of anything when he was younger. In the '30s and '40s, most meals were boiled and bland. Cheap and withered vegetables, sometimes with but often without, gristly odds and ends of meat. He liked trying new foods, so she decided he should learn to make them. Cooking turned out to be methodical enough to satisfy his need for order but creative enough to let him feel he was making his own choices. And it had been a great bonding experience. He'd learned a lot about the modern attitudes toward cuisine and they'd laughed together over kitchen messes and the odd culinary disaster. 

Darcy made a batch of chili that was a recipe she and Bucky had developed together. He had loved the spiciness of the peppers he had chosen specifically for their flavor and kick. They had worked together to find a perfect balance of meat and beans and tomatoes that made the texture in the mouth as appealing as possible to Bucky's tastes. When they had cooked it together every couple of weeks, Bucky had sworn he could smell from her kitchen all the way to his apartment two floors away. She left two large plastic containers of "their" chili in his fridge.

Three days later she left a dozen orange-cinnamon scones on his kitchen counter. It was her grandmother's recipe. It had always been her go-to, infallible baking treat. She'd taught Bucky each step carefully. How much butter and flour was simple, but the careful balance of gently mixing while not overmixing was difficult for him to master at first.  She'd shown him how to zest an orange and roll it on the counter to get the most juice from it when it was squeezed. The first time he had ground the orange down on the glass juicer she'd inherited, the mess had been epic. But they'd laughed and gotten into an impromptu scuffle that ended with them both dusted in flour and the orange juice on the floor. It was the first time he'd kissed her. It was a good memory. Maybe this would bring that memory back to him.

 

 

Bucky found food in his refrigerator that he had not put there. Where had it come from? He asked Steve, who denied knowledge. Bucky threw it away over Steve's protests. Steve insisted it was just a gift, that someone was thoughtful enough to want him to have meals. It sounded like he knew who it was and was withholding the information. Bucky didn't like it, at all. And he didn't understand how anyone got in his apartment. Friday had specifically told him that no one had broken in or hacked his security.

When pastries were on his counter later in the week, he was angry. Steve wouldn't let him throw them away and ate three right in Bucky's kitchen and took the rest home with him. He admitted that he thought he knew who it was, but due to Dr. Stanford's instructions, he didn't really want to tell Bucky any more. Thorough and careful questioning of Friday revealed that someone was entering his apartment using a valid security code. He couldn't convince Friday to tell him who, only that they certainly meant no harm and that revealing their identity may be triggering for his memory issues. Disgruntled with his doctor's coddling, Bucky had Friday reset all security features associated with him.

He dreamed about those orange and cinnamon pastries that night. He was in his kitchen, surrounded by a dozen or more ingredients. Oranges and cinnamon sticks and eggs. Bowls of flour and sugar. Sticks of butter and a carton of milk. A few other things that he couldn't identify right away. Flour dust was in the air. It was on his hands and face. In his hair. Mingled in with the delicious odors of baking was the most beautiful laugh he had ever heard. It felt like that laugh was touching his soul. It was a sound he never wanted to go without. He could listen to it all day, every day, and he wanted to. He longed to. When he woke, he could hear Steve watching baseball on the television. It made him feel hollow.

 

 

A week after the scones, Darcy found that Bucky's door no longer opened for her.

"Friday? Is Bucky okay? Can you let me in?"

"I am sorry Miss Darcy. Sergeant Barnes is well, but he has changed all of his security protocols. No one is allowed in without his express permission except Captain Rogers."

"Changed his... yeah. Yeah, of course. Um, okay. Thank you, Friday. I'll just leave this here. Maybe don't tell him it was me?"

"Of course, Miss Darcy."

She was disheartened, but wouldn't give up. There had to be another way of helping. Or a way of continuing this help.

 

 

Bucky found a storage bowl of the best smelling popcorn he'd ever experienced sitting beside his apartment door. It made his hackles rise.

"Friday, can you ask Steve to come here please?"

"Captain Rogers is on his way, Sergeant Barnes."

Bucky sat on his sofa and breathed in the caramel and salt wafting from the bowl in his lap. It was odd, but he could have sworn it made him feel safe. Maybe safe and loved and warm. He thought about hot summer days at Coney Island with Steve before the War, when they had still been innocence despite The Depression. He shook his head. He was being ridiculous.

"Look Buck. She's not dangerous. You knew her before. You liked her before. You trusted her. I promise. The doc told her to be careful until you remember her. I don't know why she's taken that to mean staying away entirely, but she must have her reasons. She's just trying to be nice to you without going against the doc. But I will talk to her and get her to stop since it makes you uncomfortable."

Bucky grudgingly agreed to give in this once on this particular point and shared the popcorn with Steve while they watched a movie. It was actually really good popcorn.

That night, in his dreams, there was a faint scent of apples. It smelled like home and safety. It smelled like love. He curled around a soft form in his bed and tucked his nose behind her ear, the apples seemed to be right there, crisp and warm and ripe, right behind her ear. She stretched and squirmed against him. He helped her turn to face him and their cheeks lay against each other for a moment. Her skin was soft and smooth and the smell of apple was strong here, too. She fit him perfectly. She smelled like heaven. She felt like salvation. When he woke, his arms were empty and his bed smelled like fabric softener. His heart ached.

 

 

Steve had apologized over and over when he asked her to stop bringing food to Bucky. Knowing that it had made him upset instead of giving him good memories just made Darcy feel worse. The smell of food started to make her even more sick to her stomach. She reduced her diet to crackers and carrot sticks because they had virtually no odor. Her belly continued to get bigger while the bones of her face got sharper. She started to wear higher necked tops to cover her prominent collarbones. The baggy layers kept most of her hidden. No one suspected the pregnancy and Jane didn't see her gauntness. Darcy passed off the dark circles under her eyes as restless nights due to the baby bump instead of nearly sleepless ones due to worry and stress. 

25 weeks in, she realized she could feel the baby kick. It just made her cry. She couldn't feel any satisfaction from experiencing Bucky's baby shifting inside of her when Bucky was a total stranger. It was the baby that made it impossible for her to be around Bucky now. In the depths of her depression, something illogical had taken root. If she hadn't been sick when Bucky left, maybe he would have been more alert on the mission. Maybe he hadn't gotten enough sleep because he had been taking care of her. Maybe she was on his mind, causing him to worry about her illness, distracting him and splitting his concentration. And she never would have been so sick if it weren't for the baby. The baby that Bucky didn't know about. And couldn't know about. And therefore, didn't and couldn't care about. Just like he didn't care about her anymore. The baby was keeping Bucky from getting to know her again, keeping him from remembering her. Her dark thoughts just pushed her further down into herself.

It became more difficult to keep the pregnancy hidden. She grew almost paranoid of anyone else finding out. Her secret had started innocently. Wait to spread the news until after she could tell Bucky. He already wasn't the first to know, it would have just been cruel if he were the last instead. After Bucky's return, she realized she couldn't tell him. Not until he remembered her, remembered their relationship. Hiding the pregnancy from Bucky meant avoiding him seeing her. Keeping it hidden from him also meant continuing to not tell anyone. If they knew, inevitably, someone would let it slip. Bucky would know. He was smart, a trained spy, it wouldn't take him long to figure out no one else could be her lover. He'd be forced to know about their relationship. It wouldn't be his own memories though. It would be a manipulation. She couldn't bear to do that to him. She'd be no better than HYDRA, playing with his mind, shaping his thoughts. The more her belly grew, the further she retreated. Isolating herself to make sure she didn't do anything to hurt Bucky.

She stopped going to work entirely. Jane had been very understanding that Darcy was having a difficult time with the pregnancy and the situation with Bucky. She'd requested a temporary assistant and told Darcy not to worry. Darcy had already stopped socializing with the other residents in the tower. Withdrawing herself to hide the baby. She still saw Jane enough, but she'd only glimpsed Pepper and Clint a few times. Once she thought she saw Natasha, but the woman was so quiet and quick, Darcy wasn't positive it had even happened. Without making a conscious effort to seek them out, her path just didn't cross that of anyone else. With very little effort, she managed to not see anyone at all. Even Steve didn't seek her out anymore after the very awkward food talk, and Bucky didn't seem to know she existed.

Knowing that she couldn't talk to Bucky, and now having her outlet for taking care of him from a distance stopped, made her feel more useless than she had before. The only way to appease her worry for him was to watch him from a distance. She couldn't help him, she couldn't do anything, but she could make sure he was okay. She managed to convince Friday to alert her when Bucky was out of his rooms. She watched him in the gym from the window. She stood quietly in the corner in the shadows when he played video games in the common room. She held her breath in the hallway when he was in the communal kitchen. He never spoke to her or looked at her. He didn't acknowledge her presence at all. She convinced herself that he didn't know she was there. She crept after him for close to four weeks before he confronted her.


	5. turning tables

Bucky had been home after his capture by HYDRA for a little over a month when he knew someone was watching him. He'd been tracking their progress by the tingling at the base of his neck. 70 years as an assassin and his instincts had never failed him. He didn't see them, which was unusual, but he occasionally heard the soft sound of their clothing or a quick, quiet inhalation like the smothered start of a gasp. He thought at first that it was Natalia. The displaced feel to the air indicated someone small. He worried that Natalia, a consummate professional, would be so obvious, then he felt their eyes on him when he knew Nat was out on a mission.

One day, after a couple of weeks of being followed, he watched her scout him from the corner of his eye. Not turning his head, keeping himself still and his posture relaxed. Lying in wait. There! A barely detectable flutter of movement in the shadows in the far corner of the common room. Someone small, yes, a woman, yes, but not Natalia. Black clothing head to toe, dark hair, dark smudges and shadows in a pale face. Lewis, from that first day in the medical room. Why was Lewis hiding in corners and watching him?

"Look, Steve, I'm just saying, she could be a spy. She follows me. I don't usually see her, which is suspect right there, but I feel her eyes on me. She's always lurking in the shadows or in the corner or, I don't know- probably behind the sofa! She is following me. And I think she was the one who put food in my apartment. What if she's passing information? To SHIELD? To AIM? To HYDRA? What does she want? It's practically counterintelligence 101 here. Steve, you gotta take this seriously."

"Bucky. She is not a spy. She is definitely not HYDRA. She's been living here longer than you. She works here. We all know her. You know her, knew her. Stark and Foster and Hill all conducted separate background checks at various times. She's just trying to do what the doc wants, not mess with your progress. She's just watching out for you."

"Maybe. But she could be a mole."

 

 

After letting Lewis shadow him for about a month, he decided to drop the pretense. If he let this go on any longer, she'd think he was soft. While it could be advantageous for an enemy to underestimate you, he was pretty sure no one who was any kind of respectable agent was really going to underestimate HYDRA's greatest success story. He could wait and observe for a long time, he was used to that. But the longer he let her spy on him, the more information she could be passing on. It was a security risk to keep ignoring it. This subterfuge of hers needed to end.

Patience finally worn out and his mind made up, he turned and looked directly at her where she was nearly invisible in the shadow of a bookcase. 

"I know that you're there. You're good, but not that good. Who do you work for? What do you want?"

She didn't move, but he heard her catch her breath sharply. Her eyes were very blue where a stray bit of light was giving away her position. For less than the space between heartbeats, he felt a sense of deja vu. A flash of her face against a white background with the sun highlighting her features. Then it was gone. She was actually quite pretty. He hadn't noticed before. Maybe she was meant to be a honeypot? No, not with those awful clothes.

"I don't know what game you're playing, but you would be wise to stop it now. The Winter Soldier is nobody to be messing with. Back off and stay away. I won't tell you a second time."

Darcy slipped from the room and spent the rest of the night crying into her pillow.

 

 

Confronting her hadn't gone quite the way he had expected. She didn't make excuses. Or offer denials. Or anything. She'd stayed silent and practically run from the room on the edge of tears. Another thing he hadn't anticipated. He had really only intended to warn her off. Inducing fear was, of course, always a possibility but not the actual goal. Making her cry had never even occurred to him. He'd only spoken to her twice and both times she'd fled from him crying.

She was a puzzle he couldn't solve. She followed him while completely avoiding him. He knew she was the one who left food in his kitchen. Steve hadn't outright admitted it, but he was such a bad liar and could barely keep a secret at all. She never spoke to him. Everyone else in the tower sought him out and tried to reestablish relationships. Sometimes it was awkward as they skirted around subjects of their pasts together. He knew he didn't remember everything from the past year or more, but he remembered Steve very clearly, and when had he ever needed more than Steve? The other residents of the tower were entertaining. They seemed like really nice people. But if he never remembered having known them before two months ago, it was no real loss. So it was odd that his instincts itched for him to search out her secrets. He hadn't wondered much about her before. She never came around to restart their friendship. It was a little bit "out of sight, out of mind". Until she started spying on him. And he started paying attention to her. Now, he couldn't help but wonder why she never came to hang out with everyone else. Why she didn't seem to have any interest in reigniting whatever friendship they may have had before. Her entire persona made his hindbrain scream at him to watch her. She must be up to something.

To sate his curiosity, he decided to conduct his own investigation into her actions. He'd thought following her would be easy. Well, it wasn't that he couldn't find her, it was that once she wasn't tailing him, she almost never moved. She'd retreated to her rooms and spent upwards of 20 hours a day without leaving them. Seemingly not communicating with anyone in the tower besides her scientist friend. If she believed she could fool him that way, she was mistaken. He couldn't be lulled into a false sense of complacency so easily. He hadn't become the world's best sniper and most prolific assassin by being impatient. She would find that he could wait a very long time indeed.

 

 

The more the baby grew, the more off balance and clumsy Darcy felt. Her back ached constantly and she bumped into things several times a day. Internet research led her to water. Stark Tower had an indoor pool. Supposedly, the buoyancy of the water would relieve her body of the awkward burden of her distended abdomen. She could probably float, that would feel good. She doubted she could swim being this out of shape. If she couldn't do those, she could just relax on the steps.

She couldn't allow anyone to see her there. Not with her whole body exposed like that. To keep her whereabouts unknown, she coaxed Friday into letting her into the maintenance schedule, where she registered the pool as closed for a four-hour block in the morning. If the water actually helped, she would figure out a more long-term solution. 

It was pure luck that the one-piece swimsuit she owned fit over her belly. She had been a little heavy last summer, but this was unexpected. She had lost some weight when she and Bucky first started dating. He had encouraged her to take self-defense lessons from Natasha. While the goal hadn't been to lose weight, it had been a natural side effect of the toning she got from sparring. She took the chance and stepped on the scales. Huh. She was less than ten pounds heavier than last summer. Oh well. She didn't have to buy a new suit and that was what mattered right now. She wasn't sure she could have forced herself through trying on maternity swimwear.

The bulge of the baby pulled her off her center of gravity as she slipped down the hall. Everything about this pregnancy was turning out to be awful. Bucky was socializing and getting to know the people they lived with. Everyone except her. She couldn't just hang out with him and let him relearn who she was and how much they loved each other. She had to hide away to keep the pregnancy secret. Although, at 30 weeks in, she wasn't going to be able to keep it a secret from everyone but Jane for much longer. She wasn't going to birth the baby alone in her apartment. Neither she nor Jane knew the first thing about childbirth. And she didn't think internet research was going to cut it. She was going to need help. And if one person was told, then soon everyone would know. And if everyone knew, then Bucky would know. She couldn't very well hide an entire person from him once the baby was born. The baby was keeping them apart. But the thought of Bucky finding out made her sick to her stomach. Telling him would just be a form of manipulation. Not telling him was going to come back on her in a negative way when he finally found out. The secrets had gone on too long. And yet, it was too late to change anything now.

 

 

After a week of basically hiding out in her rooms, Lewis was finally on the move. She had completely backed off after he confronted her. She'd stopped spying on him. She'd stopped leaving him food before then. Although he kind of missed that. The things she'd made for him smelled like comfort food. He hadn't noticed at the time, he was too agitated that someone was accessing his apartment. But the smells had been familiar somehow. He didn't remember having any of those dishes when he was growing up, but they sort of smelled like home. He thought they had shown up in his dreams as well. Like a memory that was just out of reach. Lewis had said she taught him to cook. Maybe the dishes she brought were things she had shown him how to make. The more he thought about the food, the more curious he became about Darcy Lewis. The longer she had followed him from the shadows, the more determined he became to find out who she was. Following her himself made him wonder exactly how they knew each other. Saying they were friends and that she had tutored him didn't make sense in light of her stalking. Something else was definitely going on. Her being a plant was a reasonable deduction.

Today, he knew she would be going to the pool. He had finally gotten on Friday's good side. Friday had been all too happy to share Darcy Lewis' plans with him. Lewis had somehow managed to get the pool closed for most of the morning on the pretense of maintenance. He knew she was coming, so he made sure he arrived before her. He searched the locker rooms, looked in each stall, but no one else was there. Maybe she had an assignation and her partner would come later? But, no. Once she was there she didn't seem to be looking for or waiting on anyone else. She seemed to just want to swim alone. Safety protocols not observed. It was possible she'd leave something in a dead drop. The only way to be sure she didn't was to stay and watch until she left.

He settled himself in the dark of the men's locker room doorway like it was a sniper nest. She only gave a cursory glance around the room before she began to tug off layers of clothing. He thought about turning and leaving, or at least looking away. His '40s upbringing versus his strict mission training. It wasn't appropriate to be watching a girl undress. But he hated to go without completing the task or risk missing something important by taking his eyes off of her. He needed to positively know that she wasn't meeting someone or leaving an info drop. This appeared to be an innocent trip to the pool, but appearances could be deceiving. It was better to be sure than to allow something to bypass his notice.

He watched as she folded her black cardigan and set on the bench. It was followed by a black pullover hoodie with sleeves longer than Lewis's arms. The clothes she wore were all wrong for her age and status. It was suspicious. As he looked at her without the bulkiest of her layers, he noticed that her thick middle looked strange. Less like a girl who obviously ate well and more like something might be wrong with her. She continued to undress, her movements slow and meticulous as she folded each item of clothing and put it down. It was almost as if she were purposefully delaying getting in the pool even though she had scheduled the visit. As she pulled off what looked like her last layer, a long sleeved tee shirt, he suddenly had a hunch what was wrong with her. When her stretchy black pants hit the floor, he could see her belly perfectly outlined in her swimsuit.

Darcy Lewis was pregnant.


	6. chasing pavements

Bucky called Steve to come meet with him as soon as he got back to his apartment. Sitting across from him at his small dining table, Bucky couldn't help but realize that no one had said anything at all about a pregnant woman in the tower. Lewis wore very concealing clothes. Her shirts bulky and much too large. She was drowning in layers. Her wardrobe was almost exclusively black, geared to hide curves and bulges. She'd been dressing to minimize notice, to encourage eyes to skim over her figure without lingering. Every single piece of clothing was misleading. The entire look was a disguise. The logical conclusion was that no one mentioned her being pregnant because no one knew that she was pregnant. She was hiding it. But why?

He needed to think about what her actions had been. He needed to use those to figure out what her motives were. It was standard intelligence work. He had already done the footwork, he just had to parse through it. He knew she had followed him. He knew she had left food for him. She was likely the one who had brought his clothes and toiletries to his rooms. Regardless of her suspicious activity, she was clearly not a spy. So, what was the rationale for her behavior? Why was she hiding, not only herself but her actions, and her pregnancy? He needed to know what was going on here. There was only one way to find out. Ask.

"Steve. I need you to tell me how I know Darcy Lewis. Besides the tutoring. I believe you that she isn't an agent of any kind. That in no way negates that her behavior is odd. She must know me well to have had access to my apartment. The foods she cooked and delivered stirred feelings and near memories. Maybe even some dreams. But I just can't get it clear. I need to know. I haven't really been trying too hard to remember stuff. I've been coasting along and it's time to stop that. I been back more than two months, I've waited long enough. I shouldn't have waited this long."

"But the doc..."

"Said tell me when I asked. I'm asking."

"Right. Yeah. He did say that. Ok. You and Darcy were, um, that is... well, you and Darcy were stepping out. I know you cared about her. You've never been the kiss and tell type, so you never explicitly said how serious it was. Never really said if you were... more than just, you know... if it was more than casual. I know you were lovers. Sometimes you missed our morning workout because Darcy had slept over. There were times I was pretty sure you were sleeping at her place, too. Today that sorta thing is acceptable. Not like back in our day. It's ok for you to be together now without being married. Even without the intention of getting married. Darcy is very... modern."

Bucky felt like a burning hot stone was lodged in his gut. He'd been dating Darcy Lewis. And he didn't remember. That was a lot to have to deal with already. According to Steve, and if her condition was any indication, they'd been much more than dating. He had forgotten not just a steady sweetheart, but a lover, and apparently a baby. Jesus wept.

A baby meant a very serious relationship. Did he know about the baby? She looked far enough along that he should have known, time-wise, but no one else seemed to know. Maybe they'd wanted to keep it quiet for a bit. Had they planned to marry before making an announcement? Wouldn't he have at least told Steve? Since he hadn't already been married to her, it must have been an unexpected pregnancy. No matter how modern Darcy was, and no matter how much he couldn't remember, he still knew himself well enough to know he would never intentionally have a baby out of wedlock. Had he been angry? He didn't think he would've been mad about it.

The rock in his stomach turned into a roiling flow of lava. Maybe she hadn't told him. Had she not wanted him to know? Had she been afraid of how he'd react? What if their relationship wasn't actually that serious? Maybe she thought he wouldn't want a child with her. Maybe he wasn't supposed to know. Maybe all the hiding was to keep him from finding out. What if she was planning to give his baby away? Could he live with that? He didn't really know her right now. But he had obviously known her before, probably been in love with her. Just the idea that she was having his baby made him want to be close to her.

On the other hand, hell, maybe she hadn't known before the mission. His ma hadn't known about his youngest sister until just a few months before she was born. Sometimes the symptoms weren't obvious, or they were misleading. If she hadn't known before, then she would have wanted to tell him when she realized. When he got back from the mission maybe, but then he'd been captured and his return was delayed. When he did finally come home, he hadn't known her. And she must have felt she couldn't tell him.

Darcy Lewis was pregnant and he was the father. And it was off to a very bad start.

 

 

"Sergeant Barnes. Miss Darcy is on the common floor. I believe her destination is the kitchen."

"Thank you, Friday." Making friends with Stark's AI had been one of the best decisions he'd made. Darcy had been hiding in her room all afternoon and evening. He didn't want to talk to her there, where she might feel trapped. He had hoped to find her somewhere neutral but private. The communal kitchen at midnight would do just fine.

She was in shadows even in the kitchen. It was late, but if she was avoiding people, late was the time to show. Steve said she had barely been seen outside of work hours in the time since he'd returned. In the night darkened kitchen, only the light from inside the refrigerator was on. Lewis was dressed all in black again. Clothes too long and too large, hiding the bulky middle of her otherwise nearly gaunt frame. She was definitely pregnant. But she was also desperately thin and tired.

"Darcy?" He kept his voice low and quiet, but he'd made no noise on his approach. Too little, too late.

Darcy flinched and recoiled. She dropped the unopened carton of orange juice she held as she jerked herself away from his voice and behind the island leaving the fridge standing open.

"Oh my god! Make some goddamned noise, Bucky! We've talked about this!" She shrieked, then gasped and pressed her hand to her head like it was spinning. "Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry I yelled at you, Sergeant Barnes. You startled me. Sorry."

"No. That was on me. Sometimes I still forget to let myself be noticed. And you really should call me Bucky, given everything."

Darcy made an inelegant snorting sound, maybe at the thought that he could go unnoticed, maybe at being asked to use his name instead of his title.

"What can I help you with... Bucky? I just came for juice. I'm out. Were you looking for it? I can get some tomorrow instead. I'll just... get out of your way right quick."

It looked like she had to brace herself to say his name. He wondered just what had been going on with her over the past, what, it must be close to four months, five? What had happened to her since he left for that mission?

"Don't go. I... I needed to talk to you. About, you know, about us? You and me? Steve said you were my girl before HYDRA took me."

Darcy stayed behind the island. Light from the open refrigerator highlighting the blue of her wide eyes while accentuating the deepness of the shadows surrounding them. She looked not only startled but afraid. Was she scared of him? He didn't think so. Her expression said hunted. She wasn't afraid of him specifically, she was afraid of having a conversation with him. She was trembling.

"Oh! Did he? Well. Um. Yeah. Yes, we were... involved. Dr. Stanford said not to tell you. Why would Steve do that? You shouldn't worry about it. You'll remember when you remember. I didn't want to hurt your recovery. So, if that's all, then I... will just be going? Yeah. Good night."

"Wait. I really need to talk to you. Please. Steve told me 'cause I asked. Doc said he could answer questions but not volunteer information. I asked. About you. About how I knew you."

"Why?" That wide-eyed hunted look had not changed. Her eyes were beautiful.

Bucky ran one hand up and down the back of his neck. This was not easy. "You are pretty stealthy, I'll give you that. Probably got some training from Nat. Maybe from me, if we were that close. I know that we were that close. You're good, but I was The Winter Soldier. Even when I didn't see you, I knew you were there. And between half-assed answers from Steve and Friday, I know you left me food and brought me those clothes. You were returning them, right? My stuff, clothes, odds and ends that you had. Things I probably left at your place. You were giving it all back like we broke up. Which, yeah, I guess it must have felt that way, what with the not remembering and not dating anymore. Anyway, I knew you were up to something, trying to be covert. I thought maybe you were a spy or a mole. After I told you to stop, I got curious. Turned the tables. Followed you. So, I saw. I know."

Darcy's eyes flicked from Bucky's face to the island top throughout his speech, never once meeting his eyes. Her hands fidgeted, fingers linking and twisting then unlinking and untwisting. Her trembling had ratcheted up to practically vibrating.

"Sorry I bothered you. I thought. I... I don't know what I thought." Her shoulders slumped. A few silent tears splashed onto the island top. She straightened up immediately. God, she was so strong. So brave. He couldn't look away. "I was worried about you. I understand you don't know me, but I know you. And, so, I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Darcy, I saw you at the pool this morning. I know about the baby. My baby? Our baby. I saw you at the pool, I was... shocked seems too tame a word for it. Did I know before they took me? Did I forget that, too?"

Darcy looked like she'd rather run than have this conversation with him. Her already pale features had taken on a chalky hue. Her hands were clenching the island edge so tightly her knuckles were as white as her face.

"Oh. Um. Baby. No. No, you didn't know. I didn't know. We thought it was a particularly bad flu. Even now, almost no one knows. I'm sorry. You aren't supposed to know yet. You can't know until you remember me. It'll just mess up your mind even more!" Darcy's voice pitched higher with every word.

"Darcy, why? Why would you keep this from me? Did you not want the baby? Is it because of me? The HYDRA thing? Would you not trust me with a baby? It's just, god doll, it's been over two months and you never said a word!"

She had gone from looking hunted to looking shot. Like some horrible painful thing had happened too suddenly for her to have processed it yet. She was on the verge of a panic attack. Bucky started around the island to help her, touch her, do something, he didn't really know what, he just knew he needed to do for her. She snatched herself back from him. But her movement must have been too sudden for her fragile state. The blood drained from her face and her eyes fluttered as she crumpled to the floor. He reached and got his hands on her just enough to keep her from hitting her head.

"Friday? Alert medical."

"Yes, Sergeant Barnes. What should I tell them?"

"God sakes. I don't even know. Um, I guess just say I'm bringing down a fainted pregnant lady? Least it'll be true."

Darcy was practically weightless when he lifted her into his arms. He could feel the sharpness of her shoulder blades poking his bicep even through her layers. One side of the roundness of her belly pressed against his. It was hard and small. It had been months. Surely the baby should be bigger than this? Was medical even equipped for maternity situations? He inhaled and exhaled to a slow beat. He couldn't afford to have a panic attack now.

He held her close and buried his nose in her hair as the elevator doors closed. Apples. Well, that explained those dreams.


	7. take it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read and read and read over each chapter before I press "post". And within 5 minutes of putting it out there for your consumption, I find 5 errors that somehow slipped through my obsessive editing. W.T.everloving F.

Friday must not have relayed the message as he'd given it because the doctor waiting for him in medical was Bruce Banner.

"Barnes! Who is that? What happened?"

"It's Darcy Lewis. And god, Banner. She fainted straight out. I know she was upset, but I think it's the baby. She's been hiding it since the mission and she don't look right. She looks sickly."

Bucky lay Darcy on the med bed and started removing her cardigan. Laying down, her belly was more prominent.

Banner's eyebrows tried to crawl into his hairline. "She's pregnant!"

"Yeah, I noticed. Finally." Bucky dragged both hands through his hair and exhaled loudly.

"Yours?" Banner's eyes squinted in suspicion. Possibly in judgment.

Bucky nodded and returned his gaze to focus on Darcy. He smoothed her hair back from her face. She was so pale. Seeing her lying against the white pillowcase brought a flash of her face smiling up at him from a similar looking position. He didn't know when that was, but he wanted to remember. He wanted to know, damn it. Banner could judge all he wanted as long as he helped Darcy.

"I am not this kind of doctor." Banner sounded very tired for just a minute. His alert voice came back quickly, though. "Are you sure this didn't happen after you got back? Are you sure she's been pregnant since before you were taken? She isn't big enough to be that far along. Do you know exactly how far along is she? You were gone more than two months, you've been back more than two months... It must be at least five months, maybe more. She should definitely be bigger than this. And she's so thin!"

Banner was able to work and talk at the same time, a miracle that Bucky knew he couldn't manage right now. He couldn't even look at Darcy and talk at the same time. He just nodded or shook his head in response.

Bruce moved the cardigan off the med bed. Bucky helped him get Darcy's giant sweatshirt off so that Banner could do what he called "the standard tests". Blood pressure he recognized and worried about for a moment when Banner made a scrunchy face; he'd seen that little pinchy thing that went on her finger but didn't know what it measured; he had no idea what that bit was that Banner rolled across her forehead, but since his expression didn't change the way it had over the blood pressure cuff, Bucky just assumed whatever it was it tested normal. Banner's calm in the face of Bucky's inner storm helped him to get his thoughts straight.

"I didn't know before today. We ain't been together since then, I didn't remember her. She didn't tell me. Actually, I don't think she told anyone. Except maybe Foster. Foster is in and out of her apartment a few times a week. She has to know."

Banner interrupted with, "Friday, call Dr. Foster to medical, please."

Bucky continued as though nothing had happened, "Best I can tell, she's been both avoiding me and worrying herself to the bone about me since I got back. Other than that, I have no idea what's been going on. Kinda had my head up my own ass, apparently."

 

 

Bucky ignored Banner talking to Friday. He touched Darcy's face and hands gently. How had he forgotten her? She was so beautiful. Damn HYDRA. When another person came into the room pushing a machine on wheels, Bucky was abruptly paying attention.

"Ok, Barnes. I have to do a few more tests. Help me with her clothes. I can't believe the things I've had to learn to do since joining up with Tony. I mean, I did some of this with lab animals back at Culver, but on humans? All Tony. I expect brain surgery to come up sometime in my future."

Bucky reluctantly helped Banner shift Darcy's remaining shirt up over her belly and under her breasts. He almost balked when Banner tugged Darcy's stretchy pants down below the slope of the baby. But he was so matter-of-fact and professional about it, Bucky just went along. The rounded expanse of her exposed belly was pale white with sharp red and purple lines fanning up from the underside. It looked vulnerable. Hell, all of her looked vulnerable. He knew Banner was trustworthy. He knew Darcy was safe in his hands. It didn't make him feel less anxious. A puddle of goop was squirted directly on her belly. He watched in fascination as Banner rubbed a weird plastic handle through the goop and all across her skin, slowly. The machine next to him came to life. Some kind of swirly, staticky black and white video started up. There was a constant whooshing sound with a rapid backbeat thumping in it.

"What the hell is all that?"

"Hmm? Oh, the ultrasound? I guess you wouldn't have seen one. Huh. This transducer acts a little like a camera. Only it "sees" sound waves."

Bucky broke in, "Like a submarine? Sonar? On a person?"

Bruce looked thoughtful, "Well, yeah, I guess so. When I move this across the surface, it sends an image to the screen of what it's measuring between the sound waves reflecting off any solid objects in their path; the fetus, the placenta, the uterine walls. So, when you look at the screen there, what you see is an image of the fetus inside the uterus. And the noise you hear is the fetus's heartbeat and the rushing of blood through the uterus and placenta."

Bucky just stared for a moment. "Really?"

Bruce grinned. "Really. Actually, this one is pretty basic, the technology is much more advanced now. With a new model, the imaging is 3D."

Bucky's jaw dropped. Seeing the blurry black and white picture of the baby, watching it move, was an emotional moment. Finding out that he could be seeing it in 3D was pretty much unbelievable. He didn't think Banner was the type to exaggerate though.

Banner continued, "The lab doesn't really need to use this for pregnancy, obviously, so we haven't needed a more modern one. Although after this, Tony will be getting the latest or building an even more advanced one. Now, looking at the image of the fetus, I can measure certain body parts, like the length of the spine and the diameter of the head. That gives me a good idea of the overall size of the fetus right now. Comparing those numbers to the "average" measurements associated with each stage of pregnancy should tell us how many weeks pregnant Darcy is, as well as if the fetus is growing at the expected rate. It's actually very interesting. Although...hmm." Bruce paused and his forehead creased. "Friday, can you verify these numbers?"

"What? Is something wrong with the baby?" Bucky watched helplessly as numbers and medical jargon ran across the tablet screen that Banner had balanced next to the ultra-sonar thing.

"What? Oh. Sorry. No. Nothing wrong, just not what I expected? The good news is the fetus, um the baby, seems fine. The heartbeat is strong. Good number of beats per minute. The ultrasound shows all the body parts are developing well, nothing looks malformed. If the measurements are accurate, she's between 30 and 35 weeks. Given her current physical state, and the fact that I am not an expert at this, I can't really pin it down any closer. The baby is certainly big enough for 35 weeks..."

"30 weeks? HYDRA had me 9 weeks maybe, and it's about 10 weeks since I got back. The mission started 19 or 20 weeks ago, I think. I can buy 30 weeks, but 35 sounds way too long. Wait, the good news? What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is she is dangerously undernourished. The fetus isn't in distress because I'm pretty sure it's enhanced. We'll have to have someone come in to do an amniocentesis for a DNA test. Its health is most likely benefiting from your serum. But it's taking everything it needs from Darcy whether she has it to spare or not. Judging from the size of her wrists and neck, she apparently hasn't been taking in enough calories for both the baby and herself. Given her physical condition versus the fetus's size, I'd say the fetus, um the baby, is basically cannibalizing Darcy's health in favor of its own."

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Ah, that's okay. We aren't doing it right now. Darcy will have to consent and I am really not that kind of doctor. There's time tonight or tomorrow for you to read about it. Friday can pull up some educational websites for you."

 

 

Jane Foster burst through the door. Her hair was uncombed and her jeans were paired with a misbuttoned pajama top.

"Darcy! Darcy." Jane was at Darcy's bedside in a blink. Her hand smoothed over Darcy's tangled hair. Tears formed and dropped immediately from her eyes. "Oh, Darcy. What the hell happened?"

Bucky put his hand on Foster's shoulder. It was a mistake. She turned faster than he would have thought she could and planted her small fist right in his face.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow." She shook her hand rapidly and stomped on Bucky's foot. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! What the hell? I didn't do anything except bring her here. Well. I talked to her. But I really think the doing nothing is the real problem. What the hell did you do? I didn't remember her, you knew!" Bucky could take his lumps if they were deserved. Maybe he deserved a bit, but he honestly didn't know Darcy was his girl before today. He might not be innocent in this, but he wasn't exactly guilty. Why hadn't Darcy's best friend known what was going on?

Jane's face fell, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She turned back to Darcy and took her hand. Her voice was very soft when she spoke. "You're right. I didn't know. I've been caught up in a project. A really important and exciting project, but not more important than Darcy. She said she was fine and I took her at her word. I should have known better. I knew she was really upset, I just thought she was dealing with it. God. I've been a bad friend."

Banner cleared his throat, wiped his glasses on his shirttail and spoke more to Jane than to Bucky. "She's malnourished and exhausted. I'd say dehydrated as well. She needs food, fluids, and rest. She's sleeping pretty deeply right now. Letting her sleep until she wakes up naturally would be best for her. Do you happen to know how far along she is?"

"Um, what's the date? Let me count backward, I lose weeks in the lab sometimes. Um, she tested just before we knew Bucky was missing, and she said then that her last cycle was way before and she hadn't noticed, maybe 12 weeks or so? I think 30 weeks now. Yeah. Maybe 31. Definitely not more. Can I take her home when she wakes up? I'll take her to my apartment. She wouldn't be alone. I can take a leave of absence from the lab. Given the circumstances, Stark won't mind and the newbie can just keep track of the data and collate the results, for at least a few weeks... I can try to call Thor back. He loves Darcy. He'd help."

"Jane, she isn't going to be better when she wakes up. Hopefully, she'll be rested. But a good night's sleep isn't going to fix this. She'll need to stay a lot more than overnight."

Banner fussed around with an IV stand and two bags of fluids. One was clear, the other was thick and milky. It was actually very similar to the intravenous supplement that HYDRA had given him instead of solid food when time was short. It made his skin crawl to think about it.

"This will return some nutrients to her system. Some much-needed calories. It won't be enough. She'll probably need several. And she needs to eat calorie and nutrient heavy meals when she wakes up. The saline and glucous are just to keep her hydrated. Although, the glucose adds some calories, too."

Jane looked torn. "I have to go. I have to file paperwork about time off from the lab. I have to get in touch with the temp, I probably have to talk to Stark directly. I'll do what I can by e-mail tonight, but I gotta sleep before I have to deal with Tony in person. Are you staying?"

Banner glanced up, "Um, no? She's sleeping restfully for now. No real need for constant observation. I'll have Friday alert me if her condition changes, but I don't need to actually be here in the meantime."

"I'm staying." Bucky's tone was determined. He didn't want either of them to think it would be okay to object. They both nodded, though Jane gave him a sharp look before turning back to Darcy.

Jane kissed Darcy on the cheek and fussed with the sheet covering her. "Good night Darcy. I'll be back as soon as I've talked to Stark and gotten the newbie set up. Sleep as much as you can. We'll make this all better. Promise."

She gave Darcy's hand a soft squeeze, nodded once to Bucky, smiled at Banner, and was gone.

"Well, if you're staying, you'll know right away when Friday needs to call me. As long as she sleeps peacefully, everything's fine." And then Banner was gone too, and Bucky was alone with Darcy.


	8. water under the bridge

 

Bucky pulled up the lone chair and sat down heavily. He didn't think he'd be resting, but he could sit quietly and keep watch. He held her hand in his. He could feel the tiny bones along the back when he ran his finger over them. He glanced at the IV they were giving her. Banner had said it was necessary. Their baby was healthy, but only because it was feeding off of Darcy, taking what it needed whether Darcy had it to give or not. She had to have this to get better.

He couldn't decide if he resented the baby for hurting her or if he resented her for letting things get this bad and not asking for help. Maybe he was actually angry at himself for not paying more attention. For not noticing sooner. For not making more effort to remember. For being complacent about his situation because he remembered Steve, so he wasn't alone, and he had thought that was enough. She had needed him and he hadn't even known.

Bucky didn't know he had slept or dreamed until he was awake. The morning light was still gray coming in the window. He had laid his head on the bed beside Darcy's arm sometime in the night. He kept his head there, staring at the soft, pale skin of the inside of her elbow. Darcy slept on. In the dream, they'd been in the sun. She had on a short sleeved top and short pants. Her legs were bare for miles, one knee touching his bare thigh. They were sitting together, somewhere high up, maybe one of the balconies of the tower. He'd been bare-chested, his arm and his scars out in broad daylight. And Darcy had her head leaning on his shoulder. His metal shoulder. Her hair brushed his chest. Her hand was in his, fingers twined together. His metal and hers slim, delicate flesh. His flesh fingers had been tracing up and down the underside of her forearm, wrist to elbow. Darcy kept flinching when he reached the tender bend of her arm. Not quite ticklish, but making her jump anyway. He'd been happy. He'd felt safe. He'd felt trusted. Darcy had felt like home. She felt like every good thing he ever wanted and couldn't remember having. He wanted so badly to have that feeling back. He drifted to sleep again with thoughts of sharing the warmth of her under the warmth of the day. Contentment. Love.

 

 

When Bucky finally raised his head from Darcy's bed in the morning, he looked up straight into her eyes.

"Bucky? What are you doing here? What am I doing here?"

"You damn near had a panic attack in the kitchen and then passed out right on the floor. I brought you here. Banner says you're not eating or drinking or sleeping enough. He should be down soon to explain everything else. It's kind of a lot to take in."

Darcy's hand strayed to her belly. "Um. So. Last night, you said you knew about the baby. Guess this mountain is no surprise then. Um. I'm sorry. I know you were supposed to remember me on your own. I don't want this to set back your recovery."

"My recovery? Geez, Darcy. Let me just tell you, if a man loses his memory and you're carrying his baby, tell him. Don't wait for someone else to say it's okay. Just tell him. Finding out like this was hell."

"Oh. But the doctor said telling you about your past would be like HYDRA planting memories. I couldn't do that! Even with the baby, I couldn't put you through what HYDRA had done. I won't be that kind of person Bucky."

"That doesn't even... what does that... what? Telling me stuff is nothing like anything HYDRA ever did. Everything they did was horrible and painful and... well, evil. Nothing you could ever do would be anything like that! You couldn't be like HYDRA if you tried."

"But, the doctor said..."

"Wait. Hold up. Steve said the doc wanted me to remember for myself and for everyone to just let me get to know them all over again and that learning about them would trigger the old memories to come back. And it has. I don't remember everything, but I remember knowing all these people. Except I didn't remember knowing you. You didn't come around like the others. Honestly, I thought that meant I didn't really know you, but the evidence says otherwise." He gestured expansively at her bulging belly.

"He said telling you would write over your missing memories! I couldn't think of any way, at all, to explain a baby without telling you all about us. And I couldn't tell you about us. He said it would be manipulative!"

"Okay. I hear you. And if you'd had to tell me about the baby, then yeah, it would have gone better if you also told me about us. But something must have gotten lost in translation because I am telling you, it is my brain, and telling me about you and the baby would not have been manipulative. I'm so sorry you thought you had to keep this away from me. I wish like anything that I could've known and been there to help you. You ain't been taking care of yourself."

"I'm fine. I just have morning sickness still. And maybe nightmares about you being tortured by HYDRA. But it's okay. I'm fine."

They hadn't noticed when Banner had entered the room until he spoke. "You are not fine. You are malnourished and dehydrated. You have symptoms of exhaustion. You're too thin for the size of the fetus and you aren't putting enough in your body to keep up with the demands of the fetus's growth. You are not fine."

"What demands? The baby is growing just fine. It's huge actually. And I'll be good after some breakfast. I just had a really great night's sleep."

"I'm sorry Darcy. You aren't going to be fine after breakfast. You'll need to stay here for about a week. You'll be getting supplements via IV during that time. You'll need to add protein shakes to your meals as well. And a minimum of eight 8oz glasses of water every day, in addition to the saline drip."

"Bruce. Really? That's overreacting."

"It really isn't. Let's talk about the fetus, um the baby. It's Bucky's baby. It has a diluted measure of super-soldier serum in its blood, in its DNA. If you had been carrying a baseline fetus, I think you would have miscarried, Darcy. Your health is poor. Nowhere near where it should be for a healthy pregnancy. Because of the serum, the fetus is stronger, more resilient. So, to keep from being malnourished, the fetus is pulling as many nutrients as it needs from you. It's using nutrients that should be stored in your muscles and fat deposits. Your body needs those, but they're going to the fetus instead. You have depleted your body's stored resources. All of that has to be replaced. But the fetus is doing great. At your expense."

Darcy's face looked like she'd been scolded. Bucky reached for her hand. Hers was stiff under his for moments, then she relaxed and turned her palm upwards to join their fingers. Some of the tension in Bucky's shoulders lessened.

"I've called in an obstetrician. I am really not qualified to do any more than I already have. You'll want an amniocentesis to examine the fetus's DNA for levels of the serum and possible side effects. You'll need a more thorough physical exam. She'll be by after lunch." 

"Huh. Let's talk about all that later. I need breakfast. I'm actually starving. And my stomach isn't rolling over threateningly for once. Where's Janie?."

"Okay. We'll leave it for now. However, you will have to talk about it later. And, did you know that one side effect of dehydration is nausea? So, keep the saline drip and drink your water."

 

 

Jane came in just as Darcy was finishing breakfast. She was a whirlwind of activity. She'd brought pillows from Darcy's bed and a bag full of Darcy's favorite snacks. She shooed Bucky from his chair and settled herself for what looked to be long-term.

Banner had changed out the empty IV bags for new ones. He tutted over results of a blood pressure test. 

"Darcy, it's time for a serious discussion about getting you healthy."

"Ugh, Bruce. Okay. Fine. Can Janie stay?"

"You decide who you want to hear your private medical information."

Bucky realized that he had heard quite a bit of that last night, without Darcy's permission. Sure, a lot of it was about the baby, which was also his, but he felt like this would be a good time to let her have some sense of privacy. He had a destination in mind for when he left. Bucky needed to talk to Dr. Stanford.

"Okay, doll. I have some stuff I gotta do. Can I come back before dinner and spend some more time with you?"

"Can you... yes. Of course, you can come back. I feel guilty that I've slept through most of your time here."

"There is no guilt allowed about sleeping. I'll be back in a few hours. Mind your doctor or I'll hide your snacks."

 

 

Bucky had to wait for two hours before Dr. Stanford could see him. He lay on his bed and tried some meditation tricks in the hope that he could get his mind to knock loose a few memories. 

What he got were tangential memories.

He thought about the dream where he was covered in flour and making those orange scones. He was able to remember more about that happening. The happiness that swelled inside of him. The pure joy at being with his girl. How much he'd been overcome with love listening to her laugh. Screwing up his courage and kissing her. How she'd melted against him. How perfect she felt in his arms.

That memory segued seamlessly into another where Darcy had been laughing while he was trying to kiss her. They'd been in her living room watching a movie. Somehow, he'd spilled the entire bowl of popcorn when he leaned in for a kiss. It was that sticky sweet popcorn that she always made. It was clinging to her blouse and stuck in both of their hair. She kept trying to pluck pieces out of his hair during the kisses. Keeping her eyes open so she could find them. Giggling when they refused to come loose. It was a good memory. He missed her.

Remembering her lying on his chest, kissing, brought another memory to him. Lying in bed. Sweat drying on their skin, the press of her bare breasts against his chest. The dampness of her hair tickling his face. The shift of the sheet when her leg slid against his. The fierce protectiveness she stirred in him. How much he wanted to take care of her, make her happy, be worthy of her. He could remember how much he felt for her. Maybe not all of the things they had done together, but he knew what wanting to always be beside her felt like. His meeting with Dr. Stanford couldn't come soon enough. He wanted to be back with Darcy.

 

 

Bucky sat across from Dr. Stanford at his desk. It was better to be straightforward and to the point. Get it said as quickly as possible and with no room for misunderstandings. The recently remembered feelings he had for Darcy gave him all the confidence needed that he was doing the right thing.

"I'd been seeing you before HYDRA captured me, right? Did you know about me and Darcy? That we were together?"

"You and I had been having appointments twice a month for about 8 or 9 months before the HYDRA incident. And, yes, I knew you and Miss Lewis were involved. You spoke quite fondly of her."

"Did you tell Darcy to keep our relationship from me?"

"Technically, I suppose. I told her not to tell you about your past. To let your memory return on its own."

"Did you tell Darcy that if she told me about our relationship she'd be doing the same thing to me that HYDRA had?"

"Well, no. I did explain that hearing your memories from someone else instead of accessing them naturally could replace your own memory with what you were told. Much the way HYDRA overwrote your memories when you were their prisoner."

"Do you realize that even if all of my friends replaced every single one of my memories with their own, it would still never be anything remotely like what HYDRA did to me?"

"It was a metaphor, I can't recall exactly how I phrased it, it could have been a simile. But it wasn't meant to be taken literally, Sergeant Barnes."

"That metaphor has put a lot of important things at risk. It was a bad way to word it at best. Darcy has made herself sick with worry and jeopardized the... A lot is at risk because of what you said to her."

"I am sorry if she's been negatively affected, but your well-being was my priority. Your health, mental or physical, is my job. Miss Lewis has to care for her own."

"Right. Well, apparently you and I have a difference of opinion about what is or is not good for my mental health. In case you aren't clear, Darcy is good for my mental health. You aren't. I would appreciate a recommendation for a new therapist."


	9. all i ask

The first thing Bucky saw when he entered Darcy's room was a lot of new machinery. When he looked at Darcy herself, he could see she was connected to all of them. He didn't have a chance to do more than greet her before they were interrupted.

Steve stuck his head in the door, "Buck? Friday said you were in medical. Are you okay? What's going on?" His eyes widened almost comically when he saw Darcy in the hospital bed, their baby protruding in fromt of her. "What?"

"Well, Steve, when a brain-washed assassin and a beautiful lab assistant love each other very much... Honestly, Steve? How did you not know this? How did no one here know this?" Bucky's hand hovered over Darcy's belly for a few seconds before he finally let it settle. He still wasn't really sure he should be allowed to touch her. "I know I didn't remember her, but the rest of you certainly did!"

"The doc said..."

"Damn it, Steve! You knew she was my sweetheart! No matter what Dr. Stanford said, no matter whether I remembered it or not, how could you not have kept an eye on my girl? Why would you not watch her for me when I didn't know to do it myself?"

"I... I don't know." Steve looked miserable. Bucky thought he ought to. "I guess I was just really focused on you. This whole thing with the memories reminded me too much of the time before; when you didn't know me. I was just wanting to help you and I didn't really think about anybody else. Darcy said she would stay away 'til you remembered and I figured that was okay and I put it right out of my mind."

Steve looked up at Bucky, but his eyes shifted to Bucky's hand on Darcy's belly. "I didn't know she was pregnant Bucky. I would never have kept that from you. No matter what Dr. Stanford said."

"But you'd keep the girl who held my heart from me? You and everybody else in this tower talked to me, laughed with me, helped me get to know you all again. And not one of you mentioned that Darcy was important. Not one of you questioned why she wasn't around. What the absolute hell, Steve?"

Darcy hadn't said a word. Her head ticked back and forth like watching a tennis match. She hadn't seen Bucky and Steve fight even once since Bucky came in over two years ago. She'd always thought Bucky was too lenient with Steve because he was still afraid of Steve blaming him for all the things he'd done for HYDRA. She'd thought Steve was much the same, only he was afraid Bucky would blame him for leaving him for dead when he fell from the train. It was unnerving. An alarm began to blare on one of the bedside machines.

Bucky immediately pushed Steve toward the door. "Go on, get out. We're upsetting her and the baby. I'll talk to you later and chew you out."

Steve tried to resist, but when the door opened to admit a doctor, Bucky took the opportunity to shove Steve just that little bit harder. The door closed with a click, right in Steve's sad face.

"Okay, Miss Lewis. Let's just check these readings."

 

 

"Mr. Barnes?" Bucky nodded his head. "I'm Dr. Marcus. Darcy's obstetrician. I'll take care of her through the rest of her pregnancy."

Darcy and Bucky listened patiently as Dr. Marcus explained exactly why Darcy needed to keep her life calm for the foreseeable future. The baby was indeed taking a ridiculous amount of nutrients and energy from Darcy's body. The amniocentesis results had shown that there was definitely serum in the DNA and that one of the problems with that was the need for additional calories, much like Bucky himself had to deal with. There was also a healing factor present, which is what was causing most of Darcy's problems. Without adequate intake of necessary food to support the baby's needs, the baby was using Darcy herself to keep itself from being injured by the overall neglect.

Darcy was horrified that things had gotten so bad. She knew she was tired but couldn't sleep, she knew she wasn't hungry when she should be, she knew the morning sickness this late was unusual and she knew she should have consulted a doctor before now. She had just let those concerns be smothered by the dark cloud she lived under. It hadn't occurred to her that the baby could be suffering. Her belly kept growing, so she assumed things were fine. Her own deteriorating health just hadn't seemed important.

Bucky felt tremendously guilty. He had been careless enough to get his girl pregnant and obviously hadn't thought about the impact his enhancements might have. Now, Darcy was ill, the baby was constantly in danger of possibly starving, and he hadn't remembered that he was supposed to be taking care of them. He had spent his entire youth taking care of Steve. Taking care of people was ingrained in him. His instincts were screaming at him to cuddle Darcy up and hide her away in the back of a grocery store until neither she nor the baby were ever hungry again. Instead, all he could do was hold her hand and press kisses on her forehead.

"If you can stay calm, tolerate the IVs, and eat and drink what you're given, you can be out of here in 5 to 10 days. We'll be monitoring your weight gain and blood pressure throughout. This isn't a good situation, but it can be improved. If you behave, there is no damage done that cannot be reversed." Dr. Marcus was a very plainspoken woman. Bucky was relieved. He wasn't sure he could parse any more medical jargon. He knew Banner had tried, but he'd had some difficulty following.

Dr. Marcus spent a few more minutes adjusting various cords from the machines to Darcy. When she seemed satisfied, she gave Darcy a warm smile that she then turned to Bucky. He didn't expect smiles from anyone who knew that he had contributed to Darcy's condition. He was glad that there wouldn't be any contention between them. He hoped Dr. Foster came around soon. When Dr. Marcus left them alone, Bucky knew they needed to talk.

 

 

"Hey, Darcy. I'm glad you're feeling better. Dr. Marcus seems nice. Did she show you the baby on the ultra machine? Banner let me look and it was the best thing about the 21st century that I've seen so far! I could see little arms and legs and I'm pretty sure fingers. And there was a heartbeat. It was strong. The baby is strong. Hmm. Probably stronger than a regular baby. Sorry about that."

"You shouldn't be sorry. That is nothing to be sorry about. Just think of how many baby colds we won't have to deal with!"

"We? You gonna let me be around you now?"

"Oh, Bucky. Yeah, of course. I love you. I wanted you around the whole time. I've just been really messed up in my head. Dr. Marcus said I should get a therapist of my own. I'm the one who should be sorry." Darcy abruptly stopped making eye contact, choosing to fiddle with the edge of her sheet instead.

"We're both so sorry it's kind of ridiculous. I guess we both made some mistakes in this. You got afraid and didn't come talk to me. I let the memory thing coast instead of trying harder. It just didn't seem all that important. I thought if there was anything I really needed to know, it would eventually come up. I do remember you now. Not everything. But some. Some of how I feel about you. I know I loved you."

"Loved? Oh. I... I guess we can work around that. No need to worry about it. We can still parent together."

"No, don't take it like that. I'm pretty sure what I feel for you now, even with only part of my memories, is love. I just meant, I remember how loving you felt before. I feel some of that now, I'm pretty sure it'll only get stronger as I remember more. I am absolutely not giving you up. Not if you'll still have me."

Darcy looked up at him and then down again. Her hand moved toward him and then back to her side. Bucky stepped closer and took her hand in his. He didn't want her to feel unsure. He wanted everything that he had seen and felt in his dreams. He wanted to get back to what they had before. If he needed to, he would be the one to keep the relationship going for now. Until she felt more confident in him sticking around.

"Will you hug me? It's just, I feel like no one has touched me in a long time."

"Oh, sweetheart. I will hug you as much and as often as you'll let me."

Bucky settled on the side of the med bed. He pressed Darcy's adjustment button to raise her closer to sitting upright. Darcy leaned toward him and set her forehead against the front of his right shoulder. Bucky wrapped his right arm around the top of her back and only hesitated for a second before putting his metal arm around her waist. He'd seen in his memories that she didn't shy away from his prosthetic. She had accepted all of him. It made a little wave of warmth flow through him. He tightened his hold and Darcy raised her own arms to circle around his middle. The warm mound of their baby pressed into Bucky's abdomen. They sat that way for a long time. Until Bucky realized that Darcy was crying.

"Darcy? What's wrong?"

"It isn't anything really. Or maybe it's everything? I just feel so emotionally exhausted. Like I've been on a rollercoaster of fear and shame and then I was giddy and excited and then sad and afraid all over again. I feel wrung out. Even though this seems like we're working things out and we might get back to where we were before, I still feel sad about all the time we've been apart. And I still feel like it might all disappear again any minute. Ugh. Nothing is wrong right now. But everything has the potential to be wrong. I'm not making any sense."

"I can't say I really understand. I don't feel what you feel about this. But, I want you to feel better. I think Dr. Marcus is right. You should talk to somebody who knows how to help. Speaking of which, I fired Dr. Stanford."

Darcy looked a little horrified. "What? You've been with him for over a year! He's helped you so much! Why? You are so much better, but you're still having issues. I don't want to tell you how to handle yourself, but you really need to be in therapy, too."

"I'm not stopping therapy. Just going to see someone else. Dr. Stanford did just fine when I was the only one involved. But he really dropped the ball when my problems became something that affected other people. He didn't take into account how much I needed outside of his help. And he really hurt you. He might not have meant to, but he did. He hurt me too, by not ensuring I had the support system I'd been counting on before this latest memory shit."

Darcy hugged Bucky close again. She felt bad for him. She had been a mess and she had wanted to take care of him while he was dealing with his HYDRA stuff, but she hadn't thought about his emotional needs beyond what Dr. Stanford had said. She hadn't thought about how much he benefited from their relationship. They could both do better. They would both do better.

 

 

Not long before dinner, Dr. Marcus returned. A technician came in behind her pushing a machine on wheels. It was similar to the ultrasound that Banner had used the night before. Bucky perked up in anticipation.

"Is that one of those ultra sonar machines? It's sleeker than the one Banner had."

"It is. This one is a much newer model and much more advanced. I thought you might like to see your baby in a 3D rendering. Darcy and I looked earlier today, but when Dr. Banner told me how excited you were about the rudimentary imaging, I hoped this would be a nice treat for the two of you to experience together."

Bucky and Darcy watched their baby on the monitor. It was beautiful. Dr. Marcus rotated the view and pointed out different body parts. They watched in fascination as the heart beat so fast the movement was like a flutter. She explained that the measurements showed the baby to be larger than average for Darcy's 31 weeks.

"It might mean a caesarian when the time comes. It's difficult to predict how much the pelvic bones will shift. If the space is too narrow, the head can't come out. But for now, there's no worry. The baby is healthy. Would you like to know the sex?"

Bucky's jaw dropped, not for the first time since he'd brought Darcy to medical. "Are you serious? You can tell that from this sonar stuff?"

"Well, yes. We've been able to do that since the '70s."

Bucky just looked at Darcy and back to the monitor. "Up to you, doll. I'm good either way."

Darcy looked contemplative. "I think I'd like to wait. It'll be a good surprise no matter what."

Dr. Marcus printed out pictures from the ultrasound. Enough for some to keep and some to share. Bucky and Darcy spent the evening cooing over their baby. Leaning together on the bed, content to be with one another.


	10. sweetest devotion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I have used the words memory and remember WAY too frequently in this story...

Darcy was allowed to leave the medical suite after 8 days. As near as they could tell, the baby wasn't going to suffer any ill effects from her self-neglect. Her primary health problems had been addressed and solved as much as they could be while remaining in medical. Everything else could be accomplished just as well at home. Her weight wasn't up to Dr. Marcus' standards, but it was well on its way. She had a strict list of minimum requirements for food intake. Bucky was already excited about getting to cook together again.

She knew she was going to need help through the last weeks of the pregnancy. At first, she seriously considered staying with Jane. Bucky had not wanted that. He suggested that they go ahead and move him into her place until after the baby was born. They had wanted to live together before, and this was as good a reason as any to finally take that step. He was remembering more every day and wanted to be with her as much as possible. He wanted to be present and involved in the rest of her pregnancy. He felt he had missed too much already. He had Friday order three different pregnancy books for him, one geared specifically toward 'expectant fathers'. He wanted to be prepared to help as much as possible.

Darcy was immediately worried and not convinced that Bucky was making an informed decision. "You don't know that you really wanted to move in together. I mean, yes, we had talked about it, but what if it was just a thought for you? What if you weren't ready and it was just hypothetical? I don't want you to make a decision without having all the information you had before."

Bucky had to remind her that worrying was medically prohibited for the foreseeable future. "You are right hough that I don't remember everything yet. But I remember some things, enough things. I remember that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I remember that you make me happy. You make me feel safe. You feel like home. I want to feel that all the time. Every minute of every day. I remember that I love you."

So they combined their lives into one apartment, Darcy's for now. Bucky talked with Stark about getting a space large enough for the three of them when the baby was born. They would need a lot more than just one bedroom and a combination living/dining area with a kitchen. Stark had assured them that a suitable family apartment would be all set for them as soon as they were ready to move in. It had taken Bucky an hour to talk Stark down from gifting them with a four bedroom extravagance complete with a fully furnished nursery and a custom AI for Baby Barnes.

Apparently, all of their friends felt enormously guilty over not having noticed what was happening with Darcy. She'd been good at hiding her situation, but there were actual spies living in the tower. Someone should have seen. So, though he had wanted to start cooking dinners for Darcy, Bucky had to accept more than a week's worth of apology casseroles. At least the freezer was full.

 

 

Living together wasn't easy. Darcy was used to living alone and having someone in her space all the time made her anxious. Bucky was a conscientious housemate, but he was there all the time. When she woke up in the morning, he helped her get out of bed. He cooked breakfast every day. He jumped up to assist every time she rose from the sofa to do anything. He followed her most of the way to the bathroom, where she went approximately thirty times a day. He made excuses to come in while she was showering. He was sweet and kind and helpful. He was driving her up the wall.

They had the same exchange at least once every day.

"Bucky. You're hovering. Again."

"I know I'm hovering. I worry. I love you."

The "I love you" was a new addition to their post memory loss conversations. The more time they spent together, the more Bucky realized the depth of his feelings for her. Since Darcy's love had never wavered, it made her happy to know that Bucky still felt the same. 

Bucky was actually pretty accustomed to living alone, too. He woke hours before Darcy every day. He had to be quiet moving around so that she could get enough sleep. He put on his gym clothes in the bathroom so the bedroom would stay dark. He got in his run with Steve and a half hour sparring session before showering in the locker room. He always made it back to the apartment while Darcy was still sleeping. He lay beside her as she woke up to the smell of a fresh pot of coffee. He tugged her out of bed and helped her put on her robe before cooking breakfast while she tried to get her day going using decaf as fuel.

It took a couple of weeks for them to be able to move around each other without their edges bumping up. After a couple more, they finally reached an agreement on exactly how much Bucky was allowed to do for her before she would make him sleep at Steve's. Overall, they settled into a peaceful, contented living arrangement.

 

 

Darcy had never been in therapy before. She'd expected to lay on a couch and talk about her mother. Instead, she sat in a comfortable armchair and talked about her unrealistic expectations for herself. She hadn't known that her view of herself was skewed. Therapy was enlightening.

She learned that she had a strong tendency to put others before herself, that she was a natural caretaker but often carried that to an extreme. While that probably did trace back to her mother, the therapist didn't linger on placing blame. Their talks involved evaluating her own self-worth. Learning to balance her worth with the worth of others. Learning to care for herself even while she cared for others. She had thought-exercises and lists to write every week. Spending time in the shower thinking about what motivations actually drove her actions was useful. Putting her responsibilities on paper helped her understand which things were not really her job. Writing her priorities down in descending order let her figure out what was most important to her and what things didn't belong as high on the list as she had first thought. She was dismayed when she realized that she had included the baby as part of her own depreciation of self. In putting herself last, she had been compromising the baby, too. It was hard to re-evaluate herself, but she was making progress.

 

Bucky was still struggling with lost memories. He was seeing his new therapist three times a week. They were focusing on recovering as much of what was lost as possible. Where Dr. Stanford had placed Bucky's remembering on his own as the highest aspect of recovery, his new doctor had working with his friends and family as the most valuable path to remembering. 

The more time Bucky spent with Darcy, the more he remembered. He dreamed of their relationship almost every night. He woke in the mornings with fresh memories of happiness and love. He wanted to experience all of it again. He wanted to enjoy it all anew. He was sure he had never been so happy in his life.

 

 

Darcy's water broke in her 38th week. Bucky was having lunch with Steve. She called Dr. Marcus first, knowing Bucky would be too overwhelmed to think of anything except getting her into medical. She had Friday alert him to call her as soon as he and Steve finished eating.

"Darce? Are you okay? Why is Friday telling me to call instead of you calling yourself?"

"I didn't want to interrupt your lunch. Sorry. Um, it's about time to go to medical. The baby's coming."

"Now? What? Okay. Stay calm. Don't worry. I'll be there in one minute. Wait for me. Unless you think there isn't time? Don't have the baby in the apartment. Get to medical now if you can't wait."

"Bucky, sweetie, calm down. The baby won't be here for at least a few hours. There's plenty of time for you to get back from two floors away."

"Are you sure? I'm almost there, but if you need to go now, I'll get your stuff for you."

Bucky was bursting through the door before they'd finished talking on the phone. He grabbed her overnight bag and was out the door waiting in the hall before she could get her shoes on. She probably should have put them on before he called. He came back in and helped her up from the sofa and walked her to the elevator with his arm around her waist.

"Are you in pain? Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"

"Not in pain right now, but when there's a contraction, it really hurts a lot. I'm fine. Let's just get to medical and get this over with."

 

 

In the delivery room, Bucky was much less frantic. He was a pillar of strength when Darcy needed a hand to squeeze. He was calm and collected when she needed to rant or yell. He remembered to keep her cup filled with ice and fed chips to her continuously so that her mouth and throat weren't dry. He guided her through her breathing and propped her up from behind when she needed extra strength to leverage pushing.

Darcy's labor was a long 14 hours. Dr. Marcus assured her throughout that her labor was not, in fact, lasting too long. She kept a check on the width of pelvic space available as well as dilation. In the end, Darcy didn't need the caesarian that they had prepared for. When the baby finally slipped from her body, she was giddy with both joy and relief. 

"It's a boy!" 

Dr. Marcus had Bucky cut the umbilical cord. It was the only time he blanched during the whole thing. He was still a little bit green when Dr. Marcus lay the baby on a blanket on Darcy's belly. Darcy gathered the blanket around her baby and shifted him up against her chest.

She looked down at the tiny baby in her arms and knew she'd never love anyone or anything again as much as she loved him. It had been a long journey. Some of it had been particularly dark and distressing. But she found she wouldn't change anything if it would mean not having what she did now.

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed and tucked sweaty hair behind her ear and kissed the corner of her mouth.

"I am so proud of you right now. And so amazed. Look at what you did! You made a baby! Grew a person inside of you. I mean, we made a baby, but you did all the hard work. He is so beautiful! You are so beautiful! I love you so much. I love him. I love both of you. Am I babbling? I feel like I might be babbling."

Darcy laughed. "You are definitely babbling. Here, hold your son." She carefully passed the small bundle into Bucky's waiting arms.

Bucky's expression was full of awe. He kissed the top of the baby's head before kissing Darcy again. He carefully stood and rocked side to side gazing at his son. "I love you, little guy. I love you so much."

It had been a difficult road to get to where they were. They'd overcome his capture and torture by HYDRA. They'd overcome Darcy's deep depression and self-neglect. They'd come through Bucky's memory loss and the resulting loss of their relationship. They had learned to live together. They had learned to rekindle their love. They had found a new life and new happiness. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the epilogue will be pretty short, and end kind of abruptly  
> your mileage may vary, but I like it that way  
> 


	11. one and only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's all she wrote

"Jamie! Jamie, do not climb on the back of the sofa. Get down now."

"But Mom, I wanna fly! Iron Man can fly, and Falcon. I want to be a superhero."

"Your Dad can't fly. Neither can Uncle Steve. You don't have to fly to be a hero, sweetie. So, come on. We'll get you a snack before Aunt Jane and Uncle Thor get here to pick you up. Did you remember to put pajamas and your toothbrush in your bag?"

"Ugh. Yes, Mom. Uncle Thor can fly."

"Jamie."

Darcy loved Jamie with all her heart, but that boy was going to be the death of her. He'd already broken his arm twice and he wasn't quite 5 years old. Luckily, he had an advanced healing rate and had spent less than a week in a cast each time. Jumping off the back of the sofa could result in another broken arm, which was inconvenient and painful, or it could result in a broken neck, which wasn't likely to heal even with accelerated healing. The joys of living with superheroes and daredevil adrenaline junkies.

 

 

Bucky had asked Darcy to get a sitter for Jamie overnight. Usually, a few hours was all they took for date night. Dinner out and a movie, or a concert in the park. Events close by so they were always home early. The pair liked to participate in Jamie's bedtime ritual together; both the storytime and the ten trips to the bathroom to avoid sleeping. Given the change in routine, she was a little nervous. Bucky must have a reason for wanting an extra special date. She just hoped it wasn't the reason she feared. She had a plan for that. It wouldn't do for him to upset it. Well, maybe she could alter her plan if it looked like his date was about the same thing. Maybe he just felt extra romantic. Not everything had to be a big deal that needed a discussion. Right?

Darcy spent extra time getting ready. She used her sweetest smelling bath products. She shaved her legs. It took almost an hour to get her hair just right. Her hand shook too much to get her eyeliner straight. She had reason to be nervous. Luckily, Jane was glad to draw Darcy's lines on for her. The dress she selected was slim-fitting and accentuated her breasts, which were trying valiantly to escape. Finally satisfied with her appearance, Darcy waited in the living room the few minutes it took Bucky to come home from visiting Steve.

Bucky had also dressed up and taken extra care with his hair and beard. He was wearing a beautiful suit with a shirt that complimented his eyes. Darcy was reminded all over again that she had a wonderful, sexy man in her life and that things were as close to perfect as they had ever been. She hoped that wasn't going to change. He presented her with slim glass vase holding one perfect long-stemmed red rosebud, then held his left arm out at an angle for Darcy to slip her right one into. Leaving the rose on the entry table, he escorted her to the elevator as though he had picked her up from her parents' house. His right hand resting on hers at the crook of his left elbow. It was sweet and chivalrous. Given the arm, he was literally her knight in shining armor.

 

 

They had a fantastic dinner out at a pretty fancy restaurant with candles on the table and classical music in the air. Bucky had their driver drop them three blocks from home, just so they could walk the rest of the way arm in arm. They took the elevator past their floor and all the way up to the roof of Stark Tower. The night was clear and warm. From this high up, the city smog was thin and the light pollution was diluted enough that they could see a few stars. Darcy was nervous. Bucky seemed to be, too.

"Doll, I know we decided that our relationship was great the way it is. I know we agreed that it didn't need to change to be fulfilling."

Darcy's heart thudded in her chest. He already knew and wanted to talk about it now. She should have known a romantic date was just a ruse after years of dates built around Jamie's schedule.

Bucky didn't seem to notice her panic. He was looking down a bit instead of into her eyes, he didn't see how widely they were opened or the way she was chewing her lip. "But as the years have passed, I can't help but want to make a change."

"Oh. You know, I've been thinking about changes recently, too." Maybe she could be nonchalant about it and he'd not panic.

He took both of her hands in his and finally looked directly into her eyes. His were wide with dilated pupils. She found she couldn't predict what he was going to say. Would he just blurt it out? Was he going to tell her it was a bad thing?

"Darcy, I love you. I love you more than anything. I never want to be without you. Not ever. I want to spend my life with you." Bucky stooped to one knee and produced a tiny velvet box. Oh. Oh! This was not what she was expecting. Her chest tightened. "Will you marry me?"

Of course, she would, yes yes yes. But when she opened her mouth, that isn't what came out.

"Is this a bad time to tell you I'm pregnant?"

 

They say couples who can laugh together, stay together. They'd probably be together a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> titles by adele


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